The Yes Mother

My daughter, Chani, brought a book over to the house on personalities. She gave most of us this test, and then, delighted with the exercise, worked on interpreting the results. Not surprisingly, I came out this Powerful/Coloric personality. In a big way. There wasn't a lot of the other personalities qualities tossed into my chemistry. This means I'm independent, confident that what I do will turn out right, and that if others follow the same pattern, they will too. Hmmm...okay, fair assessment. It means that when somebody says something is impossible or too hard, that it creates this determination within me to do exactly that impossible things. Like when I was told all my babies would be early, all would die, and to not have any more. I guess my personality type is what gave me the fortitude to stay in bed and deliver nine wonderfully alive babies. So, again, an accurate assessment.

Each personality has its strengths and its weaknesses. The problem with my type, is that I don't view my weaknesses as all that bad. I'm not talking pride here, I'm talking an inner surety through experience, that allows me to know when I have something right. Okay. So, the rest of the world might view the resulting In Charge attitude as bossy. And they'd be right. I'm bossy. But I'm a good boss, and my plans almost always flow the right direction and end up successful, especially if others can follow my ever shifting course.

In mothering young children, this is a great blessing. Children need boundaries, guiding, they thrive on lovingly confident parenting. A child doesn't want to feel his world is shaky, his mom is frightened by her own choices, his rules and consequences are tossed around in a storm of inconsistency. A loving, (not abusive or abrasive or inflexible) confident mother gives a child the strength to explore his world and embrace life.

BUT if that same mother, loses sight of what she wants in the end for her children, she can become overbearing, domineering, cold, and out of touch with the heart and soul of each child. Good mothering and bad mothering are often easy to recognise. but sometimes, the separation gets pretty fuzzy.

When my older children were young, I decided I wanted to be a Yes Mother. A Yes Mother is one that simply isn't saying NO all of the time. Children make it hard to be a Yes Mother. Consider this simple question. "Can I watch a movie?"

Now, this is asked in the morning before home and school requirements are finished. The answer is No. The answer is always No. For over twenty five years, the answer is no. Every day. Every single day for a quarter of a century of children old enough to ask that question, the answer is no.

Believe me, even the most confident mother can be worn down after 25 years of the same question from the same children who know the same answer. So, when I decided to become a Yes Mother early in my parenting, I started responding with, "Yes, on Friday." "Yes, when chores and school are done." "Yes, you may watch a school movie." Still, even being a Yes Mother can be terribly redundant when raising a big family.

But, here's the difference between the No answer and the Yes answer. Both allowed me to control what a parent needs to control. But the second answer gave guidelines. As long as the child feels the need to ask for something he knows he won't get, he receives the answer that tells him what it will take to get it in the end.

And then one General Conference, we were told that our children needed more Vitamin N (No). Instead of jumping up in a panic, thinking I should have been a No Mother, I evaluated my system, and decided I was in keeping with that advice even though the words came out Yes most of the time.

I still have a ten year old, plus three other teens at home. Sometimes, I forget to add the parameters to my yes. Chrystal will say, "Can I watch a movie?" And I'll answer with a simple, single word - yes. The surprised look on her face tips me off that I've left half the sentence unspoken. She starts to run to the DVD collection, hoping to get started before I realize my omission. She's fast. But I'm bossy. I win as I call out, "After your work is done, after your school is done, on Friday, tonight, if it's a school selection..." Whatever my current parameter happens to be, she slows down, and sighs. She knew the REAL answer all along. The game of Ask Anyway is relentless all the same.

I think of Heavenly Father as a Yes Parent. I believe he stands ready to bless us far greater than we could ever imagine. We only have to ask. And we have to listen, or at least anticipate the parameters he puts around his Yes answers. Think on this endless request in our prayers. "Keep them safe while they are away from home."

Now, can you really hear him on the other side saying. "No." I imagine instead that he says, "Yes, when he follows the commandments." "Yes, if he follows the rules of safety and the guidelines you've taught." "Yes, if he goes and stays where he's said he would." "Yes, always, and if anything bad happens, I'll be right there to be sure his eternity is safe." Whatever the parameters, I believe that whenever possible, our Father in Heaven is a Yes Parent.

And in a few things, He is unwavering, unbending, firmly and confidently a No Parent. "No you may not date before sixteen." No, you may not have an intimately physical relationship before marriage." His list of absolute No is not all that big, but they are absolute. He gives us that firm answer so there could be no misunderstanding, and then it is up to us, to our benefit or our destruction, to follow or ignore his answer.

The way I figured it all those years ago, was that if I worked on saying yes with proper boundaries, then when I had to say, "No" even without a supportive explanation, it would be respected at the least because it wasn't my typical response. There have been times when I've had to say, "I want to say yes, but I just can't." And my children know this is true. That doesn't mean they are happy with a no answer, but it does mean they know their mom, and they listen to me, and so far, consistently choose to obey.