When a Big Family Grows Up

I've watched a few of these shows about big families. A family of seventeen, a family of ten, a family of seven. And others. I watch with both a critical eye, and a compassionate one. I've been there. And it isn't as bad as the more average American might think.

Raising a big family isn't exponential. You don't take what it costs for one child and multiply it by ten. It doesn't work that way except for things like Disneyland, or an evening at the movies. Oh, you have to triple most recipes, unless it feeds six, and then you only have to double it. But, if you do, it won't get all eaten in one night. You'll have plenty for lunch the next day. When all my children were at home, I'd tell people that it took: 1 roll of toilet paper per bathroom per day, three pounds of hamburger for a casserole type meal, five pounds of chicken breasts and/or thighs for a dinner, three loaves of bread per day, and bananas, no matter how many you buy last less then 24 hours! But it really wasn't all that bad.

You almost never have to purchase clothing for the younger ages. Everybody around you knows that you have a wide variety of ages and sizes and they are always willing to give their beautifully preserved clothing to you since it is a one stop meets all needs sort of thing. By the time the kids are teens, they were purchasing their own clothes. Either with money they earned or money I gave them. As long as I didn't have to go shopping with them, I was happy.

We had twelve people in a two bathroom home. It wasn't all that bad. Then we had eleven people in a three bathroom home. That was perfect. Family members don't think anything's strange about showering at odd times of the day. It gets done and that's all that matters.

The kids certainly don't need their own bedrooms. What they do need is delightful family interaction. Home should be a place they love to be. The previous two weeks, my seventeen year old son was in a local play. He was gone every night. It was a relentless schedule. One night, he didn't have to perform. He found his way into our bedroom which is the quieter setting for TV viewing than the family room. He watching a show with us, including his younger sisters. Afterwards, he sighed and with deep longing in his voice said, "I forgot how good it is to be with the family at night. It is rejuvenating." We were watching television - the Logan way, with lots of excitement, interacting, explaining, and enjoying everybody. That's the beauty of the Pause Button and pre-recorded shows.

The biggest thing that gets me as I watched these shows about big families, is that they don't talk about what happens next. What happens when after two decades of filling a church pew, you now fill 1/3rd. What happens when people start to meet you and they think you only have four children because that is all remaining at home. What happens when those recipes you adapted to feed twelve now sit too long in the refrigerator and you have to toss it out. Something unheard of only a few years before. What happens?

I don't fit the "empty nest" description. I have four children at home, ages 10, 13, 15, and 17. With a minimum of 8 years ahead of me, I'm really still right in the child rearing stage. Well, if I had only one child, and that child was ten, I wouldn't be considered "Almost Done." But after raising nine, I do feel that way. I'm fully aware of how quickly the time flies, and before I know it, my ten year old will be an adult. And then what happens?

I'll tell you what is different now from when they were all young. Our social interaction is very, very different. Our home was once child-heavy. There were more of them than there were of Neil and I. Lots more. Children's bedtime was a time of rejuvenation for us. It kept us focused on life beyond parenting. Slowly, the children became teens, and with that, they stayed up with us. It was an easy transition. They had arrived in our home about two years apart, they became teens about two years apart. Easy.

But eventually, our home was no longer child-heavy. It seems that we woke up one day and found that our home was teen/adult-heavy. That means we suddenly had three little girls, and six adult/teen children and two adult parents - eight to three. And then it was nine to two.And now it is ten to one. Only it really isn't that, now it includes four in-law-children so that would be fourteen youth/adult to one little ten year old. There is no way I'm going to send her down to bed by herself, not while the rest of the family are consistently having the time of their lives - every night.

Our night life is the very best. We play games, we watch television, we talk, we interact, we are highly social and it shows every single night. I have never encouraged my children or youth to spend time alone in their bedrooms. In fact, I'm against it for the most part. The sense of isolation among the youth is only heightened when they spend a great deal of time alone. As a result, my children are totally used to studying, talking, playing, reading, whatever in the family setting. And we all love it.

Another thing that has changed is that our social life away from home includes our married children. Neil and I would rather go to the movies, to the temple, out to dinner, with our married children than anybody else we know. It isn't that we don't love our friends, we just thrill being around our adult children as peers rather than as parents. It is FUN!

When they were young, I used to take one child out with me each week. It took two months to rotate through nine children but we managed. When they became 16, we started taking them out on dates with us, when they weren't out on their own fun evenings, that is. I knew as I raised them, that I was raising my peers in eternity. And it has paid off. I was their mother when they were young, very much in charge, not even trying to be a friend. As they became youth, I listened to them, filling a role of half mom and half sounding board. As adults, I reserve the Mom role for when a little bit of knowledge might help them, or if they were off track of eternity, but the rest of the time, I love being with my beloved friends.

I waited a quarter of a century to have the sort of friendships I've developed with my youth and adult children. So that is what happens when the big family grows up. If you've maneuvered through the teen years into the delightful friendship of adult children.

Oh, and another thing. I waited twelve years to raise up a babysitter. When Chani turned twelve, the change in our social life was enormous. We could and did spontaneously go out with friends. And that's how it has been for fourteen years. Now, I have three very busy teens, and sometimes I'm caught short discovering that I need a babysitter once again after all these years. Only, now I call my married children first. They are happy to have Chrystal visit for an afternoon. Chani will call and see which sister can watch her little Daniel, and I call to see which sister can watch Chrystal. As I said, my married children are now my peers - Chani and I both seeking sisters to babysit our children!

I don't want to think too long about what will happen in eight years. The day will come when the only children at home are those visiting home. Right now, my married children visit several times each week. But it will get really quiet, in eight years. I'll miss our nightlife. But then, there will be even more adult children to "date" with than there are now. It won't be so bad. I'm hoping.