The Wise Old Mother and the Wonderous Young Mother

You've guessed it. I'm the Wise Old Mother. I don't mean to be. I mean, Old is relative, right? But I fully recognize that I'm simply not the same Mother as I was when I was young. And, my daughter, now expecting her second, is so obviously part of the Blessed Generation of Wondrous Mothers. You know the kind, everything is new, some things are absolutely a struggle, other things are, well, there's no word better than miraculous. I watch her. I'm filled with joy. I listen to her speak about her friends, those other Wondrous Mothers. I even read their writings. And I nod my head in memory of those miraculously, frustrating times. Then I turn around and do my own mother thing with my ten-year-old daughter, or my three teens - four at-home children out of the nine we raised.

Yes. I'm the Wise Old Mother, but I'm not all that far away from a baby. Really, ten years ago I birthed my last. Ten years isn't that long in the scheme of human memory.

Children are a joy and a puzzle, and children are a great deal of work and loss of sleep. Their needs arise at inconvenient times. Most especially when they are teens. You snooze - You Lose. A far more appropriate phrase when dealing with the youth than any other endeavor. They need you, not at the sweet hour of, "Honey, let's sit down and talk." No. They are far too busy for that. When the youth need the voice and attention of their mom is at midnight. They come to say goodnight, and two hours later the lights finally go out and the home is quiet.

But the Wondrous Mother isn't there yet. It is ahead of her, hands down. But today, she needs to understand things like bedtime, staying in bedtime, sleeping in bed, and will the wakeful nights ever really end?

We all know children are unique. Anybody who has had more than one child knows how remarkable and special each one is, full of personality like nobody else in the world. Wise Mothers know this. We've also been around long enough to know that while some things are specific to each child, there is a whole slew of things that are the same. Discovering that secret makes being Mom-in-charge so much easier. It gives you a Mary Poppins bag of ideas to pull from, to try and discover what really will work for your individual family.

Take Bedtime. There are a few basics for the young family. I will start first by saying that I embraced a specific philosophy that wouldn't allow me to let a baby Cry It Out. I have had friends who embraced the opposite philosophy. It worked for them. So, keep in mind as you read, that I am talking about life beyond the Baby Led nursing, and the Baby Cries for a Reason and to Communicate stage. Bedtime starts when I'm ready to allow crying. Because it is inevitable, and if handled with firm loving consistency, the crying part really is very short lived. Give in - and all bets are off!

About fifteen to eighteen months, give or take, of course, your infant will go through a change. This change shows you clearly that he understands what you are saying. It shows you that he's discovered ways to manipulate the situation to his desire, and the minute the words start flowing, not complete sentences, but words with meaning (not just words in mimicry) then his young brain, and spirit are ready for some equally important changes. Up until now, it was right and good for him to control the timing of things in his family. But now, NOW, is the critical time for Mom to step forward as the Parent In Charge.

Please believe me. You will cry, lots. But it will be a zillion times easier to take this monumental step right now, than at any other time in your child's life. Or even worse, not ever take it, and feel out of kilter with God's plan. Yes. It is God's Plan that you be in charge, not your child. Tough words. That's why there will be lots of tears. And it all starts with controlling the nursing of an 18 month old, or controlling Bedtime, or controlling television for the toddler. Or controlling SOMETHING!

OK, ready for the big step? If you are still nursing, this is the easiest way. So, I'll start there. If you are like me, you have or will soon have another baby on the way. Start using specific, and consistent words to set the parameters of nursing time. "We'll nurse later." "We'll nurse at bedtime" "We already nursed, we'll nurse later." "Do you want some water?" Be firm, be loving and tender, be in control. Boy it is NOT easy! Up to now, you've had almost a year and a half of baby led nursing. And now I"m suggesting that it flip.

Yes. What happens here is another little miracle. Your baby learns to listen to your words, to trust you, to move slightly past the immediate moment. This can be the first real chance for your child to learn to trust what you say. You say no, wait, later. And he knows, not now, but later. And learning to trust what Mom says will be a lifeline throughout his entire childhood. From there, it is much easier to say at bedtime, after again nursing, "I love you. Goodnight sweetheart" and if he cries in the night, demanding nursing as before, he hears the now familiar phrase, "We'll nurse in the morning, we'll nurse later, we already nursed." And YOU KNOW he understands the words and their meanings.

Now, if you don't have a nursing toddler, the process is pretty much the same. You find something that you can grab hold on and say, ON THIS, RIGHT NOW and FOREVER, I AM IN CHARGE. Once that decision is made you will have to find lots of different ways to make it so, because as soon as you find something that works, your super intelligent child will find a way to make it less effective. It is a dance, one that will challenge you and more often than not leave you with a feeling of doing good.

So, bedtime before age two. Decide what your routine will be because if it is really big, it is hard to pare it back. Scriptures, Prayer as a family, and then individual prayer with the child. Maybe a song, or a story. And kisses and sleep. Lights out or on? Mom decides, this isn't an eternity breaking decision. So do what you want, whatever you do, it will stick. I like a dark room, but I was quite comfortable leaving a closet or bathroom light on for my children.

Beds. We slept with our babies. Sometimes until just before the new baby arrived. Often, though, we moved our 1-1/2-year old babies into a sibling's bed. I LOVED having a mattress on the ground. No chance for the baby to fall. I loved having my children share bedrooms. I believed it was both healthier, and more realistic. I mean, I've been married 30 years - how realistic is it to think that a person needs their own bedroom?

For me, the purpose of a crib was to have a safe place for a baby to take a nap. The minute a baby even thinks about climbing is the moment the crib should be finished. Oh, we did lower the side, place a chair next to the lowered side, and teach our babies HOW to climb out of the crib. But it really is safer to move them to a sibling's bed, especially if that bed is on the ground.

Do you own your home? Here is the best idea we had for beds. Neil build in a sleeping platform, built as if he was building a floor for strength to hold up to children. The first one, the best one, was multilevel. It was just the right size to hold a twin mattress on one level, and one on another. and was a corner group. So we had a giant square section in the corner, with two shorter for each bed, but shorter at different heights for aesthetics, coming off from the corner square. Then we carpeted it, and place the mattress on the top of each length. This meant, we could have one bed section that was closer to the ground for the younger children (yes, two can easily fit in a twin sized bed), and one higher for an older child. This allows three children in a bedroom for years! But here's the best part. With the platform carpeted, up the sides, over the top, completely encased in wonderfully soft carpet, there is NO WAY ANYTHING can be shoved under the bed! YEAH!!!! Oh, sure, you lose storage space. But, really, this is a child's bedroom, any storage space you have under a bed is a complete nightmare! Get rid of the problem by building a platform bed. You'll love it.

When I put my children to bed, did I care if they slept or if they played? No. Not really. I cared if they fought. I didn't care if they left the room to go into the bathroom. I did care if they left the room to join us in whatever non-Mom activity I was doing. You see, having a bedtime is mostly for the parents. It gives them what they need to be good parents for one more day. This renewing is very real. I found that if my children went to sleep, actually slept, and later woke up with a nightmare or middle of the night need, or even 11 pm need, that I had all the patience I needed to be the kind of Mom I wanted to be. But if they didn't sleep and I didn't have even a short time to renew, then it was insanely exhausting for me to keep a grip on being the Mom I wanted to be.

So, become Mom in Charge before your child is two. And have a bedtime, with routines, environment, and whatever YOU need to be your best. This works. Until you have a house full of teens and one ten year old. Then bedtime is truly torture. So, I threw the concept out the door. It simply stopped being "right" for me to send my youngest to bed while our home came alive every night with the vibrancy of a joyous family life. But, for over twenty years - Children's Bedtime it was a Mom Saver.

Cherie Logan