Cherie's Thinking Again

Thoughts, Stories, Observations and Ideas by a Mother of Adults

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Making Sense

It is a hard day for me. It's been a hard, emotional week, and for the most part, I'm not usually all that emotional. Some sort of undefined loss has hung over me. Last Thursday I cried when Neil went to play basketball. I just don't do that. I think I've told my daughters many times over the past little while how much I miss them. And I see them all of the time. I felt loss over Ben and Randee not visiting, and they, too, have visited several times. It makes no sense, but this sublte feeling of impending loss has been impossible to shake.

Today, I really cried. I sat alone in my room, tears streaming down my face, my heart breaking. No sense. No sense at all.

And then the date hit me. Today is the second anniversary of the night I held my mother in my arms, Chamrie singing softly, It's a Wonderful World, and Chiya sitting close, tenderly supportive. Holding her, the line between who was mother and who was child completely blurred, loving her, missing her already, whispering good-bye as my mother smiled softly and breathed her last.

My tears fall faster, my broken heart beats heavier, my awareness of the nearness of loss intensifies.

But now it makes sense.

3 comments:

Lovely Lisa said...

I'm sorry you have been so sad. I never met your mom, but Bradley told me a lot about her of course. Her death really affected him, more than any of his patients did before or since. He really grew to admire her in the short time they knew each other. Sending virtual hugs your way! :)

Lovely Lisa said...

BTW, I love all the new pics on the side of your blog. :)

Cherie Logan said...

Well, Lisa, without you, many of those pictures wouldn't exist. Would you like me to mark them somehow with a link to you as the incredible photographer? I'd LOVE to do that!